Funny daily inspirational quotes
“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson
“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis
“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison
“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn
“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain
“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.” – Martha Scott
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening
“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.” – Meister Eckhart
Funny daily inspirational quotes
“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.” – Michael Shermer
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.” – Molly Ivins
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” – Muhammad Ali
“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” – Naguib Mahfouz
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” – Natalie Wood
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.” – Navjot Singh Sidhu
“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.” – Nicolas Chamfort
“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom
“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” – Oliver Goldsmith
Funny daily inspirational quotes
“If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
“Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Oscar Levant
“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra
Yogi Berra quote “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
Funny daily inspirational quotes
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” – M. Scott Peck
“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron
“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” – Mark Twain
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain
“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner
“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” – Rob Cordry
“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” – Robert Benchley
Funny daily inspirational quotes
“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch
“All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.” – Robert Breault
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.” – Robert Fulghum
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan
“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
Funny daily inspirational quotes
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking”-Albert Einstein
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t rest them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be the reality. Things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like”-Lao Tzu
“Never let anyone treat you like a yellow starburst. You are a pink starburst”- Anonymous
“Minds are like parachutes they only work when they are open”-Thomas Dewar
“There are no bad pictures, that’s just the way your face looks sometimes”-Abraham Lincoln
“Nothing is interesting if you’re not interested”- Helen MacInness
“When nothing goes right…..go left”-Anonymous
“Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by change”- Jim Rohn
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or if we wait for some time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for”-Barack Obama
“They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself”-Andy Warhol
“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform into a door”-Coco Chanel
“Entrepreneurship is about creating change not just companies”- Anonymous
“The road to hell is paved with adverbs”- Stephen King
“The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and to influence their actions”-John Hancock
“Attitude, you know it when you see it”-Anonymous
“Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life”-Anonymous
“If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”-Maya Angelou
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything”-George Bernard Shaw
“Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost
“The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change”-Bill Clinton
“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal.
“The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress”-Charles Kettering
“We’re all in the same game; just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils”- Anonymous
“A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. But a wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid the mistake altogether”-Unknown
“You’re always one decision away from a totally different life”-Unknown
Funny daily inspirational quotes
“Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay in the same place”- Unknown
“The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new”- Socrates
“Good fortune often happens when opportunities meet with preparation”-Thomas Edison
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”-Albert Einstein
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving”- Albert Einstein
“And then there is the most dangerous risk of all– the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later”-Anonymous
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